Friday, March 14, 2014

Binging... but not purging...

I'm a big fat liar. I've hidden so many things inside so I look "normal" to the outside world. As I have said in the past, I have been trying to lose weight for over 20 years. When I was a teenager I weighed 110 lbs at my highest. (I am 5'2") In the last 20 years I have gained and lost so many pounds I can't even count. I got all the way up to 219 lbs. I am now down to somewhere around 190. [I'm taking a break from the scale at the moment]

I binge eat. Only 2 people in my life know that, and they don't even know the extent to which I do it. I am out of control. I can't stop eating. It really hit home the other day... hubs and I went to CVS to pick up soap for making laundry detergent (that will be a post on a later day!) and we saw that chocolate orange sticks were on sale, so I said why don't we get some. We did. We then went to donate blood, a process that took over 2 hours, and I wasn't even able to donate because of my heart condition. The entire time we were in there, I was thinking about those orange sticks. 

When we got home, the first thing I did was open them and grab a few. Then I proceeded to get laundry started and grabbed a few more. I think hubs and X got about 5 or 6 each, and I ate the rest all by myself. I couldn't stop eating them. An entire box of orange sticks gone in less than an hour, and it would have been less time if not for the laundry distraction. 

I hide my food. If I get candy or cookies or cake (yeah, I am allergic to gluten, but am still having days where I binge on stuff with gluten in it) I will hide them under something on my desk and eat them really fast so nobody sees me. I hide any evidence in the bottom of my trash can. And I don't just eat one of something... cookies I eat 4-5 cookies in one sitting and I eat them so fast I hardly even taste them. 

People ask me how I have lost all my weight and I lie... I don't really lie, I tell them I quit sugar, which I DID... just not for that long, only a few weeks and I was back on it again. I feel horrible to lying to people and not telling them the truth, I have an eating disorder. I binge and then I restrict. 

I binge and binge and then I feel guilty and decide I am going to change things, so I cut out everything that I love to binge on, I restrict my diet so bad that some days I only eat one meal. When hubs left me in 2012 I didn't eat ANYTHING for 2 weeks straight. Everyone kept trying to feed me, but I knew if I started eating I would not be able to stop. I finally started drinking Slimfast shakes just to make sure I didn't die. 

I don't know what I am going to do to solve this. I mean, if I were an alcoholic, I know the steps to take, but with a food addiction or disorder, it is really hard, because you can't just give up eating, like you would drinking alcohol. You have to have food to LIVE. I am just starting to try to figure this whole thing out, but I wanted to get it out there, so I can stop hiding. 

Thanks for listening!


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